Time will tell
0
When you feel so down and only see black and white and want to give up ..all you do is thinking negative and barley can think positive..and the times i have to pretend im happy and put a fake smile to show im fine but im not..peoples telling me to fight and try move forward but it feels im at the same place all the time and when i try to talk about my problems i just go quiet and try change topic with a fake smile pretending im fine..i wonder how much longer i have to wait to get things started i been waiting so long do i have to wait 2months, 3 month or up to 1 year or more to get started..everytime i look at my self in the mirror i get depressed and feel this not how its supose to be and something is really wrong..i have no clue what to do anymore feeling im about to hit the wall again if nothing happens.
.....don't know how much longer i can handle this pain..time will tell
.....don't know how much longer i can handle this pain..time will tell
By : Unknown
My path to becoming who I am today.
0
I'm now a 27 year old trans lady. I was born as a boy but sadly I have forgotten much of my time past 13 years old of how I was, I only have some flashbacks in my dreams whilst sleeping lately from kindergarten. When I hit puberty around 14 years old I felt something was quite wrong with my body and I had no clue what was wrong, so I thought it was normal. But the strange thing I felt was I became slightly interested in female clothes like dresses. Then again I had a few flashbacks from my kindergarten I used to play with dolls together with some other girls, I remember one of the girl's name.
As the year went by and I started high school, I felt an unpleasant feeling when I went in to the boy's locker rooms when we should have Gym. I always went into the toilet to change clothes and didn't go into shower after gym class because it felt unpleasant.
My last year at high school was when the shit started. I started to have big depressions and I used martial arts as a sport to think about other stuff. But day by day the depressions started to take over more and more of my brain. One school day I went to the school nurse to talk; then she guided me to a psychologist in the city. After I met her and talked to her she told me I might be a trans person and we found out most of the signs pinpointed to it. After I talked to her for 2 weeks after school. Shortly after I called my cousin and told him how I felt and needed his help to talk to my mom, from my point of view I felt my mom understood me and it wasn't so hard to talk about it.
At some points I had really dark thoughts about suicide. But there where always something that stopped me doing it, I don't want to go into so much in detail because it just makes me depressed writing about it.
In 2009 I started to go to the psychologist, I was there in and out. Nothing much happened there because it was always some other test he wanted to do like find out if I had ADD, reading problems and learning problems. Again, I don't want to write about that stuff. It took almost 4 years before I got my first appointment to the Rikshospital in 2013. I barely remember that appointment, I remember they told me I had to complete the Real Life test to live as a female full time. After a while the psychologist stopped following me up and I was almost on my own, I got some other help from the psychiatry to follow me but they seams like had no clue how to guide me. Then I was clueless for around 2 years until I met an psychiatrist that knew how to guide me. She managed to get me up and running, to started to walk out of my house again and try live as a female. It all went well until she quit the job, then my co-workers took over a bit and helped me stay stable since I got a little job in an electronic store. It went really well there and my boss there challenged me to try start use the female bathrooms in the shopping center; since my hair is so long I didn't get any complains and I felt I was at the right place. After half a year of working there I had to quit because they couldn't get the mentor that was supposed to help me, and I was jobless in about 2 weeks.
Then I started to feel the depression coming back; not because I had to stop working, it was more because I had to wait for get started again with the psychologist and get back to the Rikshospital. I spent some weeks at the mental hospital for treatment, I was quite far down and wanted to end it again. Then the psychologist there gathered all that been in contact with me: my doctor, work consultant, new psychiatric nurse and my old psychologist. They all helped me to find a new path and guide me back on place. Even if it didn't start before March 2016, I got my new appointment to the Rikshospital.
I went to the Rikshospital in March and they said I was too depressed to get any treatment and was put in the risk group for suicide. I tried to convince them I didn't had those thoughts anymore and they told me I should try live normal until next appointment in June. When June came I got quite annoyed when I got there because it was another psychologist that talked to me and the appointments only last 15 min. So basically I woke up at 6am to take the plane to hospital at 9, was at the appointment at around 11.30am for a 15 min conversation and the plane back home! They then told me I had to get a job like "TODAY" and then put me up in an new appointment in August. In August the same thing happened. I felt I was a bit down after that, so I have forgotten what really happened that appointment.
My latest appointment was in October and I really felt I had a bad experience that time. I had the feeling they didn't understand me, and the psychologist interrupted me when I wanted to say something, so I almost sat there for 30 min almost crying because she didn't let me talk about my feelings. Worst of all she said she didn't want to cooperate with my doctor or psychologist where I lived.
After the appointment she gave me a number to an organization that supports Trans persons. I had a talk with the leader there and got quite positive feedback from her; she will try to help me through this. So I'm gonna try and keep in contact with that organization.
I don't know how to start but I will try put everything from my heart down to paper...since I'm struggling telling this to my psychologist and doctor and some friends...
As the year went by and I started high school, I felt an unpleasant feeling when I went in to the boy's locker rooms when we should have Gym. I always went into the toilet to change clothes and didn't go into shower after gym class because it felt unpleasant.
My last year at high school was when the shit started. I started to have big depressions and I used martial arts as a sport to think about other stuff. But day by day the depressions started to take over more and more of my brain. One school day I went to the school nurse to talk; then she guided me to a psychologist in the city. After I met her and talked to her she told me I might be a trans person and we found out most of the signs pinpointed to it. After I talked to her for 2 weeks after school. Shortly after I called my cousin and told him how I felt and needed his help to talk to my mom, from my point of view I felt my mom understood me and it wasn't so hard to talk about it.
At some points I had really dark thoughts about suicide. But there where always something that stopped me doing it, I don't want to go into so much in detail because it just makes me depressed writing about it.
In 2009 I started to go to the psychologist, I was there in and out. Nothing much happened there because it was always some other test he wanted to do like find out if I had ADD, reading problems and learning problems. Again, I don't want to write about that stuff. It took almost 4 years before I got my first appointment to the Rikshospital in 2013. I barely remember that appointment, I remember they told me I had to complete the Real Life test to live as a female full time. After a while the psychologist stopped following me up and I was almost on my own, I got some other help from the psychiatry to follow me but they seams like had no clue how to guide me. Then I was clueless for around 2 years until I met an psychiatrist that knew how to guide me. She managed to get me up and running, to started to walk out of my house again and try live as a female. It all went well until she quit the job, then my co-workers took over a bit and helped me stay stable since I got a little job in an electronic store. It went really well there and my boss there challenged me to try start use the female bathrooms in the shopping center; since my hair is so long I didn't get any complains and I felt I was at the right place. After half a year of working there I had to quit because they couldn't get the mentor that was supposed to help me, and I was jobless in about 2 weeks.
Then I started to feel the depression coming back; not because I had to stop working, it was more because I had to wait for get started again with the psychologist and get back to the Rikshospital. I spent some weeks at the mental hospital for treatment, I was quite far down and wanted to end it again. Then the psychologist there gathered all that been in contact with me: my doctor, work consultant, new psychiatric nurse and my old psychologist. They all helped me to find a new path and guide me back on place. Even if it didn't start before March 2016, I got my new appointment to the Rikshospital.
I went to the Rikshospital in March and they said I was too depressed to get any treatment and was put in the risk group for suicide. I tried to convince them I didn't had those thoughts anymore and they told me I should try live normal until next appointment in June. When June came I got quite annoyed when I got there because it was another psychologist that talked to me and the appointments only last 15 min. So basically I woke up at 6am to take the plane to hospital at 9, was at the appointment at around 11.30am for a 15 min conversation and the plane back home! They then told me I had to get a job like "TODAY" and then put me up in an new appointment in August. In August the same thing happened. I felt I was a bit down after that, so I have forgotten what really happened that appointment.
My latest appointment was in October and I really felt I had a bad experience that time. I had the feeling they didn't understand me, and the psychologist interrupted me when I wanted to say something, so I almost sat there for 30 min almost crying because she didn't let me talk about my feelings. Worst of all she said she didn't want to cooperate with my doctor or psychologist where I lived.
After the appointment she gave me a number to an organization that supports Trans persons. I had a talk with the leader there and got quite positive feedback from her; she will try to help me through this. So I'm gonna try and keep in contact with that organization.
By : Unknown